Cover for #1
A Canyon in the Middle of Nowhere is the title for the first issue of the Red vs Blue monthly comic. It was published by Bigfoot Comics.
Plot[]
Beginning shortly after Season 5, A Canyon in the Middle of Nowhere begins with Church and Tucker on a scouting mission, similar to Why Are We Here. They get a call from Doc, telling them to come back to base. When they arrive, Caboose nearly suffocates Church with a hug, and Doc mentions he got a call from Command, giving them the locations of their new bases.
Recieving the orders, Caboose immediatley tries to read Church's. Church manages to hide them, but, chased by Caboose, is forced to go into the only place Caboose won't go in Blue Base: Tex's room. Tucker warns Church, claiming Tex hasn't "woken up" yet, but Church is forced in anyway. Sounds of beatings are heard, and Church is thrown from the room.
Meanwhile, the Reds are spying on the Blues...
Transcript[]
Opening shot of Blood Gulch. Caption reads: somewhere in Blood Gulch.... Church and Tucker, helmets off, are standing on the cliff, Tucker looking through the sniper rifle while Church naps. Tucker turns to him.
Tucker: Are you ever going to wake up?
Church snorts and wakes up, looking nervous.
Church: Of course I wasn't asleep! In fact, I've been standing on... this... very spot. Oh.
Tucker: What do you mean by "oh"?
Church: It's just I was hoping that I was back at Sidewinder and...
Tucker: Dude. We're about to get our orders, to be sent to new bases, and you want to go back, to a planet made of ice?!
Church: It's a lot easier to get warm then stay cool
Tucker: You know what? I don't want to finish this conver-
A ringing noise hits the air. Church reaches up.
Church: Yes, this is Lieutenant Church speaking.
Doc (voice): Come in L. Church, come in...
Church: Come on, Doc, we're the only ones on the Blue Battlenet here anyway. Why go through all the formal crap?
Doc (voice): It's important to keep the regulations.
Church: The regulations can suck my-
Doc (voice): Language!
Church sighs.
Church: Fine. What do you want?
Doc (voice): Well, we just got a call from Command, and it looks like the locations of your new bases are being faxed to us.
Church: Okay. We'll be right there, can you handle that?!
Doc (voice): Yep. See you there.
Church: Man, that guy is such a-
Doc (voice): I can still hear you.
Church: Signing off. Let's go.
Tucker: We have a fax machine?
Flashes to Church and Tucker walking towards Blue Base. Caboose spots them and dashes out, hugging Church.
Caboose: I'm so glad you're back, I missed you so-
Church (raspy): Caboose?!
Caboose: Yes?
Church (raspy): AIR!
Caboose: Oh.
He lets Church go, who collapses coughing. Doc walks out caustiously.
Doc: Well, there here. Church, here's yours-
Caboose: Can I see? CanIcanIcanI?
Church: NO!
Church jogs towards Blue Base, Caboose following closely behind.
Church: Come on, every time!
Caboose: Can I see now?!
Church reaches his room, turns to see Caboose following.
Church: Think, Leonard, think!
He spots something, grins.
Church: Perfect!
He runs for a door marked "Tex." Tucker walks in.
Tucker: I wouldn't advise that...
Church: Why?
Tucker: She hasn't woken up... and you know how cranky she is in the mornings.
Church: I don't really have a CHOICE!
Caboose (voice): Can I see now?!
Church leaps into the room, slamming the door shut. Caboose and Tucker stop by the door staring.
Tucker: Wait for it...
Church: Ow! Wait, you-
More noises of fighting and beating are heard, the door is thrown open, and Church is thrown out. He slams into a wall, and Tex walks out next, fully refreshed. Tucker and Caboose dart to Church.
Tucker: Told you so.
Meanwhile, a sniper scope appears on the page.