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No Place Like Blood Gulch by Shadow E. Bobcat.

There is no place like Blood Gulch. There really isn't. So sit back for more Blood Gulch chronicles, with all your favorite characters all in your favorite place. (I cannot promise Caboose won't be dumber than elbow grease, though.)

Rated R for language, violence, violent language, and the phrase cockbite.

Where's the Wrench? Edit

We start on the roof of the Blue Base, with Caboose and Church in front of the teleporter. There is an open toolbox next to Caboose.


Caboose: Where's the screwdriver?

Church: You mean the wrench. I told you to find the wrench.

Caboose: …

Church: Caboose?

Tucker walks up to the crew from below.

Tucker: Hey guys, have you fixed the teleporter yet? (Looks at the damaged bolt.) Where's the wrench?

Church: I was just looking–

Caboose: I found the screwdriver! (Triumphantly displays screwdriver.)

Tucker and Church: …

We change scenes to Red Base. Sarge is counting off pushups, but though Simmons and Grif are also there, it is clear that only Donut is still doing them.

Sarge: Three hundred and forty-five, four hundred and sixty-one, five hundred and–

Grif: Sarge, that's not how you count. And besides, no one but Donut's doing pushups anymore.

Simmons: Shut up, Grif. Let Sarge do what he wants. Sarge knows best.

Sarge: That's the spirit. Four thousand and twenty one. (Continued nonsense counting in the background.)

Grif: Oh, I wish that Sarge gave me Simmons's lips so I'd figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.

Simmons: Shut up, Grif. (Explosion)

Donut: (Pauses pushups) What was that sound? Was it– Oh my God! There's a tank coming at us!

Cut to Blue Base roof. Church, Tucker, and Caboose are still bickering.

Church: Tucker, get Caboose out of here.

Tucker: Caboose, get the fuck out.

Caboose: Ah, but I want to help.

Tucker: (pushing Caboose violently) Get. Fucking. Out. Go talk to Sheila or something.

Church: Yeah. Stop bothering us.

Caboose: Okay. (Walks down into the base.)

Church: Now that we've gotten rid of him, where's the wrench?

Tucker: Why're you asking me?

Church: I fucking hate you.


Cut to the outside of Blue Base where Sheila is parked.

Caboose: (Walks up to Sheila) Hi Sheila.

Sheila: Hi Caboose. What brings you here today?

Caboose: Tucker and Church kick me out of the base. How are you doing, Sheila?

Sheila: Fine, thank you. Would you like to have a ride? (Opens cockpit)

Caboose: Yes! Oh, please don't shoot Church. He gets very angry when I kill him (quietly) again.

Sheila: Of course. Hop in. (Caboose gets in, and they drive off towards Red Base)

Cut to Red Base. Simmons, Sarge, and Grif are staring at Caboose and Sheila as Sheila shells the Reds.

Simmons: It looks like that idiot on the Blue Team. I think his name's Caboose.

Sarge: Good analysis, Simmons.

Grif: What's the point of an analysis? (Explosion) We're getting shelled! We need to move!

Sarge: Shut up, Grif!

Simmons: Yeah, shut up, Grif. (Explosion)

Griff: Fuck you, cockbite.

Simmons: Cockbite.

Donut: (Shell lands on him) Son of a– (explosion)

Sarge: (fake tears) She was a good soldier.

Grif: Yeah, no one liked him anyway.

Sarge: Shut up, Grif.

Simmons: (explosion) We're getting shelled. We need to move!

Sarge: Good idea, Simmons.

Grif: Hey, I just said that!

Sarge: But you didn’t have Simmons's elegance.

Simmons: Thank you, sir.

Grif: I think you mean eloquence.

Simmons: Shut up, Grif. Let's use the Warthog. Shotgun!

Grif: Fuck!

Sarge: Good idea, Simmons. Get moving, ladies. To the Warthog. (Sarge and Simmons run out of the base)

Grif: Still looks more like a puma. (Follows)

Cut to Caboose in Sheila outside of Red Base.

Sheila: Target locked. (Explosion) Target acquired. Target locked.

Caboose: Stop, Sheila, stop! (Explosion) Stop firing!

Sheila: Target lock disengaged.

Simmons: Stop shooting! (Fires gun)

Grif: (fires gun) Yeah, stop shooting!

Simmons: (aims gun) Actually, shoot him! (Points to Grif)

Grif: HEY! (Shoots Simmons)

Caboose: We're sorry. Right, Sheila?

Sheila: Die, Reds. I mean, yeah, we're sorry.

Sarge: So do you surrender?

Church and Tucker run up to Sheila and Caboose.

Church: What the fuck is going on?

Caboose: I was driving around and then Sheila started shooting these people.

Sarge: Are you surrendering or not?

Tucker: Surrender? We're the ones attacking you!

Simmons: Suck it, Blues! (Fires gun)

Church: (ducks behind Sheila) We're not surrendering! (To Caboose) Keep firing, idiot!

Caboose: Sorry Red Team, but I have to fire at you. (To Sheila) Shoot them.

Sheila: (turning canon to face Church) Target acquired.

Caboose: No, not him!

Church: Son of a– (explosion)

Sarge: What in Sam Hell? They just shot their own guy!

Tex walks into frame, apparently just finished with some other business.

Tex: What the fuck?

Tucker: Well, we told Caboose to go talk to Sheila, but then he started shooting the Reds, and now this happened.

Sheila: Target acquired. Target locked. (Fires at Reds)

Tucker: I call Church's sniper rifle.

Tex: (picks up sniper rifle first) Nope.

Tucker: Fuck!

Tex: Well, are we attacking them or not?

Caboose: Ah! (Explosion) Why can't we just be nice to the other people?

Tucker: Because we're the Blue Team, and they're the Red Team!

Simmons: (firing vigorously) Suck it, Blues!

Tucker: Suck it, Reds! (Fires at Red Team)

Sarge: Where's the extra ammo? (Sarge and Simmons both turn to look at Grif)

Grif: Why're you looking at me? I don't have it.

Simmons's gun is empty. Quickly, so are the rest of Red Team's guns.

Grif: …

Red Team puts down their guns.

Tucker: Wait, are they surrendering?

Tex: Looks like they just ran out of ammo. (Cocks gun)

Tucker: Wait, we can negotiate their terms for surrender! (To Red Team) Let's negotiate the terms for your surrender.

Sarge: (To Red Team) Surrender? Wow. I never thought it would come to this. (Fake tears) You were all good soldiers. Except for Grif.

Grif: Hey!

Tucker: Hello? Your surrender?

Sarge: (with no hesitation) We'll give you Grif!

Grif: No!

Simmons: Good tactical planning, Sarge. (To Blue Team) But only if you give us the freelancer.

Tex: No. Way.

Tucker: Um, this is your surrender, right? We get to decide the terms. (To Tex) Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you up. And now that Church is dead, you're going to admit who's best, right? Bow-chicka-bow-wow!

Tex: No. (repairs Church) And Church isn't dead any longer.

Church: What took you so long?

Tucker: (To Red Base) We'll take Grif, but we're keeping Tex.

Sarge: Oh dammit. Fine. Grif, go.

Church: Seriously, what the fuck is going on?

Grif walks over to the Blue Team.

Grif: Hey, I'm–

Church: We know who you are. Now, first things first, go fix the teleporter.

Grif: …

Cut to Blue Base roof. Grif, Tucker, Church, and Caboose are standing in front of the teleporter, a toolbox still open next to it.

Grif: (inspects the teleporter, then looks through toolbox) Where's the wrench?

Church and Tucker: …

Screen fades to black.

Caboose: I found the screwdriver!


Author's note: Good? Bad? Does it remind you of Blood Gulch in any way?

Mines Over Money Edit

To be continued...

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