Sarge: Hurry up ladies, this aint no ice cream social. Grif: Ice cream social? (Simmons and Grif exchange looks; Cut to Sarge) Sarge: Oh shut up. Anyway, would any of you like to guess why I called you both here? (Cut to Grif) Grif: Uhh, the war's over and we can go home? Sarge: That's it Private, the wars over... (Cut to Sarge) Sarge: ...and we won. Turn's out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I was going to drive the float, and Simmons here IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI! Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, Sarge. Sarge: Goddamn it Grif! Shut the hell up or I'll have Simmons here slit your throat while you're asleep. (Cut to Simmons) Simmons: Oh and I'll do it too. Sarge: I know you would, Simmons. Good man. (Cut to Sarge) Sarge: Anyway, Command sees fit that they will increase our ranks at Blood Gulch Outpost One. (Cut to Simmons and Grif) Simmons: Crap. Grif: That mean's we're getting a rookie. (Simmons and Grif exchange looks; Cut to Sarge) Sarge: That's right ladies, the new recruit will be here within the week. Today, we received a gift from Command. LOPEZ, bring up the vehicle. (Sarge turns around and looks at a hill; which a vehicle appears over) Sarge: This, is the warthog. (Cut to Simmons and Grif) Simmons: Shotgun. Grif: Shotgun. (realizes he's too late) Fuck! (Cut to Sarge) Sarge: It has four-inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gun position, and total seating for three. This is the M12 LRV. (Cut to Simmons and Grif; Simmons and Grif look at eachother) Simmons: I thought you said it was the Warthog. (Cut to Sarge) Sarge: I call it the Warthog because M12 LRV is hard to say. Grif: Why warthog? Sarge: What did you say? (Cut to Grif) Grif: I said it doesn't look much like a warthog. I think it looks more like a Puma. Simmons: Like the shoe company? Grif: No, I mean like a big cat. (Cut to Sarge) Sarge: You're making that up. Grif: No, I'm not. Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal. Simmons: Yes, sir! Sarge: Anyway, the reason I call it the Warthog is because of these two front hooks. They look like tusks, and what animal has tusks? (Grif walks behind Sarge) Grif: Walruses, elephants, wild boars, narwhals... Sarge: Didn't I tell you to stop making up animals!? (Cut to Church looking through a sniper rifle, with Tucker beside him) Tucker: Hey Church, what is that thing? (Church lowers the sniper) Church: It's a car. Kinda looks like a big cat of some kind. Tucker: ... You mean like a puma? Church: Yeah. Tucker: They are so fucking lucky. Church: What are you talking about, we just got a tank. Tucker: Yeah, but you can't pick chicks up with a tank. A car maybe, but not a tank. Besides, neither of us know how to drive a tank. Church: Well, we are getting a new recruit soon, maybe they'll know. (Cut to the Red Team) Sarge: Okay Grif, do you have any more ideas for names? Grif:(sighs) No, sir. Sarge: How about Unicorn? Bigfoot? Sasquatch? Leprechaun? Phoenix? Grif: No sir, I have no more suggestions. Sarge: Hey Simmons, what's that big goat-eating lizard? Simmons: You mean the chupacabra, sir? Sarge: Yeah, the Chupathingy. I kinda like it. It's got a nice ring to it. Grif:(sighs) Oh, fuck me.