Valentine's is the first special video for Outpost Zero.
Michael, Joe, and Nick are ordered to make a Valentine's Day video while Brian and Austin insult each other. Joe then attempts and fails to get a Valentine's date, and Jack gets Austin's obese girlfriend mad with him, causing him to get dumped.
Open to Michael, Nick, and Joe standing outside Red Base.
Michael: "Hello, my name is Michael Smith."
Nick: "And I'm Private Nick Johnson."
Joe: "Well my name is Joe Daniels, and I'm a Private in the Red Army. I'm stationed at Hemorrhage Can-"
Nick (to Joe): "Dude, shut up. You don't need to do that."
Michael: "(groans) Now I gotta reset the video again."
Michael walks off-screen.
Nick: "Just say your name, that's it."
Joe: "What? I was just explaining-"
Nick: "Don't. Just say your name. Me and the Corporal will do the talking."
Joe: "You mean the Corporal and I."
Nick: "Wha? No. You don't do the talking, me and the Corporal will."
Joe: "Yeah, but you meant to say the Corporal and I."
Nick (exasperated): "No I didn't mean to say anything! ME AND THE CORPORAL! NOT YOU!"
Michael (still off-screen): "He's correcting your grammar, not arguing."
Nick: "Wha? Oh, fuck that."
Michael: "Okay can we start this now?"
Nick: "Why are we doing this again?"
Michael: "The Sergeant wanted us to make a video about Valentine's Day to keep us busy so we leave him alone."
Nick: "This team sucks."
Michael: "Yeah, I know. You ready?"
Joe: "I'm as ready as a-"
Joe: "I'm ready as well."
Michael (walking on-screen): "Okay, take five. In three, two, one... Hi I'm Michael-"
Nick sneezes loudly.
Nick: "Excuse me, I had to fucking sneeze. My visor's all covered in snot, I need to go clean it out."
Nick enters the base.
Cut to Blue Base. Brian is watching the Reds through a sniper rifle scope as Jack approaches.
Jack: "What are they doing?"
Brian: "They're... making a video?"
Jack: "What? Really?"
Brian: "Yeah, and they have a poster too... It looks like they're making a Valentine's Day video."
Austin (running to them): "Oh crap, it's Valentine's Day, I need to e-mail my girlfriend."
Jack: "You don't have a girlfriend fatty,"
Austin: "Yeah I do, I met her a few days ago."
Jack: "Dude, we've been in this canyon for a week. How could you have met her a few days ago? The only girl around here is that pink woman at Red Base."
Brian: "I think she's a dude."
Brian: "Yeah, the three Reds were arguing with each other when a certain dumbass flipped our Warthog over. I remember the pink one's voice. Real fucking annoying one. I wouldn't call it a manly voice, but definitely not female."
Jack: "Oh. What were we talking abou... Oh yeah. How could you have met a girl a few days ago?"
Austin: "I met her online."
Jack and Brian chuckle softly.
Brian: "She's a dude too."
Jack: "Yeah probably."
Austin: "Oh, ha-ha. I've actually video chatted with her. She's not a dude."
Jack: "Could be a dude in disguise."
Austin: "Jack, shut up."
Brian: "Did she have an Adam's apple?"
Austin: "A what?"
Brian: "Eh, never mind. Do you have a picture of her?"
Brian: "Because if she has an Adam's apple, she's a he."
Austin: "(groans) Hold on..."
Jack and Brian start chuckling.
Brian: "Holy... Dude, she's got like twelve chins, I can't even see her neck."
Jack: "Think about how many things she could hide in those fat rolls."
Brian: "She's even fatter than you are! Can she even get out of bed without a forklift?"
Austin: "Well at least I have a valentine. Do you have one?"
Brian: "We're in a canyon with no girls, what do you think?"
Austin: "Exactly. Jack, what about you?"
Jack: "Well, no. I had one last year."
Brian: "Dude, it's a stupid holiday that no one cares about."
Austin: "You're probably just saying that because you've never had one."
Brian: "Well... eh..."
Jack: "You haven't had a Valentine? Even fatty here can get one."
Brian: "Well if I wanted to go after 400 pound leviathans, I'd have one too."
Austin: "I don't know... you're kind of an asshole, sir."
Brian: "Well, yeah. I'm not exactly nice, but..."
Austin: "And you're kind of ugly, sir."
Brian: "Well, yeah..."
Austin: "And you're freakishly tall..."
Brian: "I'm not sure if that's necessarily a negative... Alright, I see where this conversation is going."
Joe (over radio): "Hey, Blue guy? One of you forgot to turn off your radio."
Austin: "Oh crap. The computer's microphone is hooked up to the radio."
Joe: "While we may be enemies from separate nations, but like you, I have never had a Valentine, or a date for that matter."
Jack (sarcastically): "With that voice, I wonder why."
Brian: "Don't tell me he's going to ask us to be-"
Joe: "But in the interest of celebrating the holidays, I would be willing to be your Valentine."
Brian: "NO! What the fuck! Get the hell off my radio, Red."
Joe: "Technically, you're broadcasting on my radio."
Brian: "Austin, turn the fucking radio off, or I'll shoot the computer with my shotgun."
Austin: "Well, I could pull this cord out, but it might damage the computer."
Brian: "Just do it, I don't want to listen to this squeaky retard on my radio any longer."
Austin: "Alright, well don't yell at me if the computer gets damaged."
Brian: "You're the only one that uses the fucking thing! Do you really think I give a fuck?"
Austin: "Well, you do get mad all the time... and you're always annoyed with me."
Brian: "I take it back, I'm not going to shoot the computer, I'm going to shoot you if you don't pull the fucking..."
Jack: "Fuck it, I'll do it."
Austin: "Dude! That was the main power cord!"
Jack (laughing): "Oops."
Brian: "Thank you, Private Reynolds."
Austin: "Aw man, it's gonna take me all day to figure out how to put this back in. My girlfriend's gonna be all pissed with me."
Jack: "That sucks."
Jack and Brian walk away.
Cut to Red Base. Joe walks up to Sergeant Jones.
Joe: "Um, Sergeant?"
Sgt Jones: "What, private?"
Joe: "Do you have a Valentine?"
Sgt Jones: "No, I have a wife."
Joe: "You're married?"
Sgt Jones: "Yes, private. Is the video finished yet?"
Joe: "Not exactly, after several failed attempts, we finally got out lines correct."
Sgt Jones (annoyed): "But?"
Joe: "Simply enough to say, no one put the memory card in the camera, so we didn't actually record anything."
Sgt Jones (more irate): "Well, go back there, put the memory card in, and do it again!"
Joe: "Yes sir!"
Joe runs over to Nick and Michael.
Nick: "Oh now what?"
Joe: "Sergeant Jones says we have to try again with the video."
Michael: "Of course we do."
Joe: "Hey, do either of you have a Valentine?"
Nick: "We're in a canyon with zero girls, where the hell do you expect us to get one?"
Joe: "Well the Blues are getting them online apparently, but I'm willing to be one of you guys's Valentine."
Nick: "Fuck, no."
Michael: "Heeeellllllll no."
Michael: "Hey Private, I know the perfect date for you."
Joe (excited): "Really, who?"
Michael: "Your... hand."
Nick (chuckling): "Yeeeessssss, good trolling."
Joe: "Well if you're referring to masturbation, I'll have you know that-"
Michael: "Whoa! I don't want details."
Nick: "No one wants to hear about you jacking off."
Joe: "I was going to say that I don't because I find it against my religious-"
Nick: "We don't care!"
Cut back to Blue Base.
Austin: "Well I fixed the cord that someone had to pull on..."
Jack (laughing): "Oops."
Brian: "Did you disconnect the radio?"
Austin: "Yes I disconnected the radio. But thanks to Private Jackass."
Jack (sarcastically): "Ooh... good one."
Austin: "Thanks to Private Jackass, my girlfriend got all pissed off with me and broke up with me."
Brian: "Congratulations, you got dumped by a behemoth."
Austin: "I'm still doing better than you."
Brian: "Well... yeah, but... Jack, go pull that cord again."
Austin: "No, don't you even think about..."
Fade to black.
Austin (annoyed): "Son of a bitch."
Jack (chuckling): "Oops."