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Valentine's is the first special video for Outpost Zero.

PlotEdit

Michael, Joe, and Nick are ordered to make a Valentine's Day video while Brian and Austin insult each other. Joe then attempts and fails to get a Valentine's date, and Jack gets Austin's obese girlfriend mad with him, causing him to get dumped.

CharactersEdit

Red TeamEdit

Blue TeamEdit

TranscriptEdit

Open to Michael, Nick, and Joe standing outside Red Base.

Michael: "Hello, my name is Michael Smith."

Nick: "And I'm Private Nick Johnson."

Joe: "Well my name is Joe Daniels, and I'm a Private in the Red Army. I'm stationed at Hemorrhage Can-"

Nick (to Joe): "Dude, shut up. You don't need to do that."

Michael: "(groans) Now I gotta reset the video again."

Michael walks off-screen.

Nick: "Just say your name, that's it."

Joe: "What? I was just explaining-"

Nick: "Don't. Just say your name. Me and the Corporal will do the talking."

Joe: "You mean the Corporal and I."

Nick: "Wha? No. You don't do the talking, me and the Corporal will."

Joe: "Yeah, but you meant to say the Corporal and I."

Nick (exasperated): "No I didn't mean to say anything! ME AND THE CORPORAL! NOT YOU!"

Michael (still off-screen): "He's correcting your grammar, not arguing."

Nick: "Wha? Oh, fuck that."

Michael: "Okay can we start this now?"

Nick: "Why are we doing this again?"

Michael: "The Sergeant wanted us to make a video about Valentine's Day to keep us busy so we leave him alone."

Nick: "This team sucks."

Michael: "Yeah, I know. You ready?"

Nick: "Yup."

Joe: "I'm as ready as a-"

Nick: "JOE!"

Joe: "I'm ready as well."

Michael (walking on-screen): "Okay, take five. In three, two, one... Hi I'm Michael-"

Nick sneezes loudly.

Michael: "Dude!"

Nick: "Excuse me, I had to fucking sneeze. My visor's all covered in snot, I need to go clean it out."

Nick enters the base.

Cut to Blue Base. Brian is watching the Reds through a sniper rifle scope as Jack approaches.

Jack: "What are they doing?"

Brian: "They're... making a video?"

Jack: "What? Really?"

Brian: "Yeah, and they have a poster too... It looks like they're making a Valentine's Day video."

Austin (running to them): "Oh crap, it's Valentine's Day, I need to e-mail my girlfriend."

Jack: "You don't have a girlfriend fatty,"

Austin: "Yeah I do, I met her a few days ago."

Jack: "Dude, we've been in this canyon for a week. How could you have met her a few days ago? The only girl around here is that pink woman at Red Base."

Brian: "I think she's a dude."

Jack: "What?"

Brian: "Yeah, the three Reds were arguing with each other when a certain dumbass flipped our Warthog over. I remember the pink one's voice. Real fucking annoying one. I wouldn't call it a manly voice, but definitely not female."

Jack: "Oh. What were we talking abou... Oh yeah. How could you have met a girl a few days ago?"

Austin: "I met her online."

Jack and Brian chuckle softly.

Brian: "She's a dude too."

Jack: "Yeah probably."

Austin: "Oh, ha-ha. I've actually video chatted with her. She's not a dude."

Jack: "Could be a dude in disguise."

Austin: "Jack, shut up."

Brian: "Did she have an Adam's apple?"

Austin: "A what?"

Brian: "Eh, never mind. Do you have a picture of her?"

Austin: "Why?"

Brian: "Because if she has an Adam's apple, she's a he."

Austin: "(groans) Hold on..."

Jack and Brian start chuckling.

Brian: "Holy... Dude, she's got like twelve chins, I can't even see her neck."

Jack: "Think about how many things she could hide in those fat rolls."

Brian: "She's even fatter than you are! Can she even get out of bed without a forklift?"

Austin: "Well at least I have a valentine. Do you have one?"

Brian: "We're in a canyon with no girls, what do you think?"

Austin: "Exactly. Jack, what about you?"

Jack: "Well, no. I had one last year."

Brian: "Dude, it's a stupid holiday that no one cares about."

Austin: "You're probably just saying that because you've never had one."

Brian: "Well... eh..."

Jack: "You haven't had a Valentine? Even fatty here can get one."

Brian: "Well if I wanted to go after 400 pound leviathans, I'd have one too."

Austin: "I don't know... you're kind of an asshole, sir."

Brian: "Well, yeah. I'm not exactly nice, but..."

Austin: "And you're kind of ugly, sir."

Brian: "Well, yeah..."

Austin: "And you're freakishly tall..."

Brian: "I'm not sure if that's necessarily a negative... Alright, I see where this conversation is going."

Joe (over radio): "Hey, Blue guy? One of you forgot to turn off your radio."

Brian: "Austin?"

Austin: "Oh crap. The computer's microphone is hooked up to the radio."

Joe: "While we may be enemies from separate nations, but like you, I have never had a Valentine, or a date for that matter."

Jack (sarcastically): "With that voice, I wonder why."

Brian: "Don't tell me he's going to ask us to be-"

Joe: "But in the interest of celebrating the holidays, I would be willing to be your Valentine."

Brian: "NO! What the fuck! Get the hell off my radio, Red."

Joe: "Technically, you're broadcasting on my radio."

Brian: "Austin, turn the fucking radio off, or I'll shoot the computer with my shotgun."

Austin: "Well, I could pull this cord out, but it might damage the computer."

Brian: "Just do it, I don't want to listen to this squeaky retard on my radio any longer."

Austin: "Alright, well don't yell at me if the computer gets damaged."

Brian: "You're the only one that uses the fucking thing! Do you really think I give a fuck?"

Austin: "Well, you do get mad all the time... and you're always annoyed with me."

Brian: "I take it back, I'm not going to shoot the computer, I'm going to shoot you if you don't pull the fucking..."

Jack: "Fuck it, I'll do it."

Austin: "Dude! That was the main power cord!"

Jack (laughing): "Oops."

Brian: "Thank you, Private Reynolds."

Austin: "Aw man, it's gonna take me all day to figure out how to put this back in. My girlfriend's gonna be all pissed with me."

Jack: "That sucks."

Jack and Brian walk away.

Cut to Red Base. Joe walks up to Sergeant Jones.

Joe: "Um, Sergeant?"

Sgt Jones: "What, private?"

Joe: "Do you have a Valentine?"

Sgt Jones: "No, I have a wife."

Joe: "You're married?"

Sgt Jones: "Yes, private. Is the video finished yet?"

Joe: "Not exactly, after several failed attempts, we finally got out lines correct."

Sgt Jones (annoyed): "But?"

Joe: "Simply enough to say, no one put the memory card in the camera, so we didn't actually record anything."

Sgt Jones (more irate): "Well, go back there, put the memory card in, and do it again!"

Joe: "Yes sir!"

Joe runs over to Nick and Michael.

Nick: "Oh now what?"

Joe: "Sergeant Jones says we have to try again with the video."

Michael: "Of course we do."

Joe: "Hey, do either of you have a Valentine?"

Nick: "We're in a canyon with zero girls, where the hell do you expect us to get one?"

Joe: "Well the Blues are getting them online apparently, but I'm willing to be one of you guys's Valentine."

Nick: "Fuck, no."

Michael: "Heeeellllllll no."

Joe: "Oh..."

Michael: "Hey Private, I know the perfect date for you."

Joe (excited): "Really, who?"

Michael: "Your... hand."

Nick (chuckling): "Yeeeessssss, good trolling."

Joe: "Well if you're referring to masturbation, I'll have you know that-"

Michael: "Whoa! I don't want details."

Nick: "No one wants to hear about you jacking off."

Joe: "I was going to say that I don't because I find it against my religious-"

Nick: "We don't care!"

Cut back to Blue Base.

Austin: "Well I fixed the cord that someone had to pull on..."

Jack (laughing): "Oops."

Brian: "Did you disconnect the radio?"

Austin: "Yes I disconnected the radio. But thanks to Private Jackass."

Jack (sarcastically): "Ooh... good one."

Austin: "Thanks to Private Jackass, my girlfriend got all pissed off with me and broke up with me."

Brian: "Congratulations, you got dumped by a behemoth."

Austin: "I'm still doing better than you."

Brian: "Well... yeah, but... Jack, go pull that cord again."

Jack: "Okay."

Austin: "No, don't you even think about..."

Fade to black.

Austin (annoyed): "Son of a bitch."

Jack (chuckling): "Oops."

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